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This girl at the bar thinks that sci-fi and fantasy are the same genre! Good luck getting into MY pants, loser!

Chick at the club look like a Mexican Chris Farley. I'm going in for the kill.

Since when is not funny to respond to the question “What do you want for Christmas?” with the answer “Your death”?

Hello again night panic goblins.

When your walls are closing in around me, my love gets big.

Hey did you guys know that mustache hair and taint hair stick together like Velcro?

Don't ask me how I found out.

If you have cheese in your house and you're not eating it right this second, well, that's your dumb choice I guess.

Sending someone a Xmas salami stick is a cute way of saying, "I think you're a filthy garbage person who'd eat meat out of their mailbox."

Allergies are the worst. Im actually allergic to bears. They give me extreme lacerations and my internal organs fall out onto the floor.

A game of Truth-or-Dare with only ex-girlfriends is the most terrifying nightmare ive ever had.

shit i forgot to take off my wedding band b4 i went into burger king

Jack Johnson's music makes me want to drink the stagnant water out of a ditch

Was bored so I put on scrubs & went to a bar & told the bartender to make my drinks extra stiff bc I had hours of surgeries to perform soon

12. BONUS! On some vending machines, if you press the buttons 4, 3, 2, 1 you can get free drinks :D

11. In a hotel with a TV system, press 2-2-1 down on the remote, then hold OK. AND VOILA! Free pay-per-view! :D

If you think the priest abuse scandals are bad, wait till the nun shit breaks. Those women are monsters.

Every time a bell rings, an angel trained by Pavlov starts to drool.

I bet if people didn't receive presents and get drunk at the end of December, there would tons of murders in January.

I'm looking for a LeBron James sort of relationship. No ring and I can disappear when you really need me.

If men stopped holding doors open for them, would ladies just pile up outside?

My mom calls me when she hears sirens to make sure I'm alive (we don't live in the same state).

My business card is someone else's business card covered in cocaine.

(sigh) "What's wrong, most girls?"

# 11806 | Facebook | Sex | 20.12.2011 10:42:09 Uhr | | Positiv bewerten

After a stripper collects her tips from all the tables she goes in the back and licks the money clean.

Massaging my own shoulders. We all know how this will end.

For like 10 bucks I'll hide a lobster in your wife's purse.

I'd make an excellent member of a mafia family. I'm half italian, I love pasta and I make offers people can't refuse.

That which does not kill me makes me breakfast.

# 11822 | Facebook | Sex | 20.12.2011 10:42:16 Uhr | | Positiv bewerten

I think I'm getting sick. What's that stuff you rub on your chest to relieve congestion? Boobs? Yes, boobs. Someone rub their boobs on me.

I've had enough of my calendar telling me what to do and what day it is and shit.

I'm hoping that my obituary headline will read: "Hapless Woman's Battle With Touchless Bathroom Faucet Finally Ends."

Remember, real people don't care how popular you are on the internet.

Just saw the trailer for Titanic 3-D. Nobody ruin the ending for me.

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