 Die besten Bashes
It's hard to find crotchless panties that fit comfortably over my hernia truss.
All white people really want is for you to understand exactly how into organic teas they are these days.
When life gives you lemons, throw them back and demand carrots.
Thinking about waking my parents up to tell them I had a nightmare...
The difference between a joint and a woman is if you hit a joint in front of me I won’t beat the shit out of you.
I wanted to get my girlfriend a last minute Christmas gift but for some stupid reason the abortion clinic was closed.
My neighbor must collect fire trucks. Every Christmas they make a big deal about delivering one to his house.
Thought I lost my phone earlier today. I cried harder than I did the day my grandfather died.
Add up the numbers in 2012 and you get 5. You have 5 fingers on each of your 2 hands. So, 5 + 2 = 7... As in The 7 Signs of the Apocalypse.
I'm not a pessimist. I'm a depressed realist.
Tomorrow is Valentines Day. I don't care, I already know I'm forever alone.
"I quit smoking for this?" - Me, when I'm 80.
If you like someone, you should just take a chance and tell them. But remember, if they don't like you back, you have to kill them.
If you yelled out "Two points for Slytherin!" after raping me in a bathroom, I'd probably be 35% less upset with you.
My dad went to a hypnotist to try to quit smoking, now he smokes AND thinks he's a chicken.
I'm pretty sure the people who would buy pajama jeans are the same people nobody would ever want to see wearing them.
The kids had a great time staring at their gift cards today.
Now that I'm sober, the fact Grandma actually HAD a rubber when I burst into her room and asked her for one last night is pretty disturbing.
I love playing hide the salami! :)
Except when I forget where I hid it and it starts to smell rotten.
I might be doing it wrong :(
I'm not saying don't throw your dog a birthday party, I'm just saying if I hear about it, there's no place on this earth for you to hide.
I'm never actually sorry, it's just something you say.
I have the worst my brain.
When I was a kid we didn't have sand, we had to bang rocks together and make a beach.
Name your girl "Angel" or "Heaven" and she will spend 85% of her life in a bikini or a gang.
Just a reminder I won't pay taxes or sleep until the MONSTER that posted those nude photos of Scarlett Johansson is captured & executed.
I thought she was enjoying it, turns out she's epileptic.
A lady called me a creep for staring. Thankfully, I cleared up the misunderstanding by explaining that I was trying to read her mind.
Retweet me, baby. Retweet me HARD!
My obituary: She was dead the whole time.
The 2 most common lies are "I'm fine" and "it's okay."
I love coloring my boobs with hair dye.
I'm not really into matching wine with food. I prefer to match wine with more wine.
My mom was so hairy when I was born I had to be treated for third degree rug burns.
My internet is too slow today. Does anyone know that Morse code stuff?
We're robots programmed to suspect we are robots but not to know for sure.
If there was an award for meeting someone that likes me more than I like them or I like them more than they like me.
I’d win it every time.
I let the kids stay overnight with their mom & now she wants to keep them another night because she thinks she's a good mom all the sudden.
I ate one piece of bacon and my right foot fell asleep. That's normal right?
When you throw a lifeline to someone who is floundering, make sure you don't strangle him with it.
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my buzz the most.
It's crucial to have that one friend with flaws and failures similar to yours, but worse.
Still carving 2011 into my victims!
Some garden gnomes aren't really garden gnomes at all, they're just short people gardening.
Sorry, I can't quite make out all of the clever cliches on your bumper stickers. All they say to me is we'll never hang out.
Barman: "What are you after?"
Me: Numbness please.
Is 69 the true meaning of Xmas? You know, giving to receive
Did Michael Jackson ever find out if Annie was OK?
Using a cookie as a plate for another cookie
I hate when I'm nude and my daughters aren't around to be traumatized by it :(
I wish I were funny instead of just horny all the time.
Let’s face it: EVERYONE’S seen your boobs online. You want a boyfriend? Move to Zimbabwe.
Just hugged my Ma.
She wriggled.
No! No! No! No! On so many different levels wash my memory clean NO!!!
I like to call the six months I refused to wear a bra my "National Geographic" period.
How well does a safe word work if he's already inside of you?
I don't look a day over 33.
Last week someone said something about me being self absorbed, and I haven't been able to think about anything else since.
I saw a beautiful mansion yesterday with a pool. So I decided that was what I wanted for Christmas. I wish my hostages would shut up though.
The worst thing in bed, is when someone won’t say exactly what they want you to do to them…say what you want get it and enjoy.
Be kind to the mentally ill who don't have meaningful lives so they get excited by using the internet to make mean comments to strangers.
I always cry when I'm cutting onions because my first pet was an onion that died in a tragic salad shooter accident.
I read my tweets to my husband every day just to test his eye rolling abilities. He's really good at it!
Of course time travel is possible. How else could their magazine get into my mailbox every week?
Her: So what makes a martini dirty?
Me: Whatever we do after your 5th one.
I missed a lot over the last 2 days so let's be like some good friends who had an awkward one night stand and pretend nothing ever happened?
Having kids really gets in the way of my lying in bed all day staring at the wall and wishing for death. Damn you, womb.
When my 2-year-old announces that she used the potty, everyone’s so proud. I seem to get the completely opposite reaction.
I'm not livin' the dream, I'm dreamin' the life.
Sometimes, simple is complex.
Didn't think I was high until I realized I have no idea how loud anything is.
Sometimes I give my dog a little bit of human food to remind him that I'm basically Jesus.
Who else wanted a penguin but got a Christmas jumper again?
Does your Christmas dress have balls on it?
Need some?
It's kind of creepy to keep celebrating someone's birthday after they die. Let it go and get some closure, you guys. #RIPJesus
What time are you supposed to take your kid door to door for presents?
I don't want to imagine your hands on my thighs.
I want to remember them.
Slept in a manger last night, ironically. Unrelated, I woke up with a mustache!
Pigeons always look like they're jamming out to an invisible iPod.
cheated with my fears, broke up with my doubts, got engaged with my faith and married my dreams
I just choke slammed my aunts cat for not getting me the iPad I told him to get me for Christmas.
Sometimes my granny laughs so hard the tears run down her leg
Birthday party is the same theme as last year!
If you think these Tweets blow, you should see the ones I delete out of sheer disgust with myself.
The bad part about knowing how to dance is, all the other guys hate you and all the girls leave wet spots on your leg.
The road to my office is paved with the souls who hit send and then call to see if I got their email.
I'm glad the kids finally stopped crying over their awful gifts so I can enjoy my new iPad to the fullest.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart, so I've been dead for a year now.
Getting out of bed is the hardest part of my day.
My biggest regret was trading my soul for those Hammer pants in 92.
Will someone buy me a Snuggie?
36 years old and still single.
Mom thinks I'm gay.
Dad thinks I figured out the whole system.
+1 Dad.
This guy standing right next to me is wearing SO MUCH perfume. Hold on ... it's a mirror. How embarrassing.
I'm not here to represent my country unless my country is called Alcoholica.
You can tell a lot about a person by the way you talk about them behind their back.
They should turn Boxing Day into a swap meet. Everyone will meet with the stuff they don't want & trade with others.
"What happened to that chick with the boobs? "
- Me, every day when I log on to twitter.
Merry Christmas to the verified accounts only.
That whole hopeless thing you've got going on, it's a real turn on.
I'm very sorry you tripped over my foot, I don't know what I was thinking keeping my foot at the end of my leg like that.
2 Fast, 2 Furious - My cousin, the premature ejaculator and his wife, the perpetually unsatisfied.
I can't go to heaven because I'm afraid of heights.
Grandma has been sitting cross legged, meditating for 5 hours. She's either reached enlightenment or died sitting straight up.
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