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# 23762 | Facebook | aha! | 24.05.2012 9:36:12 Uhr | | Positiv bewerten

I don't know if hell even exists, but if it does, people that name their children Brayden are definitely going there.

# 23760 | Facebook | aha! | 24.05.2012 9:36:16 Uhr | | Positiv bewerten

That awkward moment when you think you know someone.

Those who stop being friends with you because you're having fun; i'm pretty sure they're cunts.

# 23732 | Facebook | WTF | 23.05.2012 15:37:07 Uhr | | Positiv bewerten

If I wanted to steal your boyfriend, I'd already have him.

In retrospect, I shouldn't have said "Take a picture, It'll last longer!" to that tourist with a camera who caught me masturbating.

# 23711 | Facebook | aha! | 23.05.2012 12:59:05 Uhr | | Positiv bewerten

Stop sending me mix signals, and tell me how you really feel. I don't like playing games, my heart doesn't either.

# 23708 | Facebook | aha! | 23.05.2012 12:59:09 Uhr | | Positiv bewerten

Your story will never be lived.

# 23707 | Facebook | aha! | 23.05.2012 12:59:09 Uhr | | Positiv bewerten

Poured myself a bowl of Muesli and added chocolate sauce to the milk because I am the master of my fate and I am the captain of my soul.

It's not who you know, it's who you choose not to know.

Coworker: Is Ari your real name?
Me: No its my stage name. My real name's Hung Solo.

just wrestled my husband to get my phone out of his hand. pretty sure he knows i've got something to hide.

I don't know what my girlfriend means by "I'm not real", we're fighting right?

# 23618 | Facebook | aha! | 22.05.2012 14:59:51 Uhr | | Positiv bewerten

The easiest thing not to give someone is attention, the hardest thing is to make it up to them.

# 23582 | Facebook | aha! | 22.05.2012 11:28:38 Uhr | | Positiv bewerten

Everything I know about love I learned from my parents. They hate each other.

Worst thing about being outdoors is imagining all of the great stuff you could be missing out if you were inside.

# 23505 | Facebook | aha! | 17.05.2012 12:22:32 Uhr | | Positiv bewerten

After filling up my gas tank, I realized that I didn't want to eat for the rest of the week anyways.

If I could choose how I die, I'd say 'instantly'.
Okay, not before I've burned my laptop, phone, toys, pornos, & exes.

'RIP me'

Dinosaur grandparents probably made racist remarks about mammals as their grandkids listened in horror.

Beginning to think no one'll ever love me enough to kill me.

You can tell if your dad is a spy if you jump out from the kitchen to spook him and he shatters your orbital bone on the edge of the table.

If you own a cricket team and not pimping them out to bachelorette parties, you are wasting an opportunity.

It's not that I like looking at myself in the mirror, it's just my reflection gets lonely if I don't visit from time to time.

# 23452 | Facebook | aha! | 16.05.2012 9:55:19 Uhr | | Positiv bewerten

Everyone cares about the environment. Until they try quilted toilet paper.

# 23388 | Facebook | aha! | 15.05.2012 10:21:49 Uhr | | Positiv bewerten

If I wanted to know how much you liked your lunch, I’d be your friend on Facebook, don’t confuse the difference.

If I was a nun, I would totally be a bar nun.

Grave robbery is wrong on so many deeper levels.

# 23311 | Facebook | aha! | 14.05.2012 11:11:19 Uhr | | Positiv bewerten

Love is everywhere.

That’s why I don’t go anywhere.

The kid is testing and retesting his temperature over and over again.

Little does he know, there's no chance for another day off.

It looks like the weekend weather will be good for outdoor chores and projects. Damn it.

I just had some coffee at my neighbors, they had cookies too. I left a "thank you" note on his refrigerator.

In my life, I've lived, I've loved, I've lost, I've missed, I've hurt, I've trusted, I've made mistakes, but most of all, I've learned.

One of these days I’m going to tell my girlfriend how much she truly means to me, and also maybe introduce myself.

I'm pretty handy if you ever need someone to come over and just quietly think about shit.