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I just want you, that's it. All your flaws, mistakes, smiles, giggles, jokes, sarcasm. Everything. I just want you.The only thing more depressing than being fat is the thought of being hungry.When your text reply is: “Whatever”…you don’t really care what happens after that.When somebody says "10 years ago" I think about the 90's instead of 2002.I looked up "idiot" in the dictionary, but didn't see a picture of you beside it because dictionaries don't have pictures, idiot.Don't drink and drive, park and spark.You're a mystery which no one wants to solve.They say that Disney World is the happiest place on earth, but obviously they have never been in your arms.Just Googled "how to dispose of dead clown bodies" with the sole intent of confusing whoever checks my search history, should I die today.“I used to be self-conscious about my height but then I thought, f*ck that, I'm Harry Potter.” - Daniel RadcliffeTo the dude who looked at marijuana and said, "I wonder if I can smoke that?" I thank you.Is it duct tape or duck tape? Either way the hooker's in the basementIf you can't take my constructive criticism then you're a pathetic loser and you should just give up.Once, I calmed a lion, and he ingested me slowly and safely. I spent 2 months in his belly, sharing his food. I emerged with a soft mane.Sometimes drunkenness is the best medicine.Sometimes it's hard to accept that all we're ever going to be is friends.Its so good to be high, I mean home.Ever undress someone with your eyes, only to find when they speak you want to quickly dress them back up again?I dont see the point in getting older if I cant be creepy.No one truly care how things affects you until it affects them.Bad day? Put your hand over your chest. Feel that beat? That's called purpose. You're here for a reason. Don't leave without one.Everyone is someone's crazy ex.It's weird how the holy water always tastes better before Mass.That moment you feel so many things but you feel nothing. Hang on. Those unexpressed thoughts will find their way into context soon enough.I don't know what kind of milkshake you have but my milkshake brings all the fat to my thighs.My doctor says I should drink 8 glasses of water a day. I wonder how many pizzas is that equivalent to.Whose idea was it anyway to put a pyramid with an eye on the dollar? I'm thinking either Satan or Ben Franklin.Once saw a lady driving a scooter chair wearing Sketcher Shape Ups. I still think about her sometimes.I scream, you scream, because this is the first time we've seen each other naked.This cat is clearly a genius. http://t.co/OqkrrvIxWhen a job interviewer asks, "Where do you see yourself in five years?", it's a test to see if you own a time machine.I've been told that I always look a bit scared when I'm talking to stupid people. This is because I worry it's transferable.If you burp, sneeze and fart at the same time, you'll enter a parallel universe where everything Charlie Sheen says makes complete sense. |